It's Monday. Again!!!

Why should i care if it's Monday. I don't work anymore. I think it's a hold over from when I did work. It's grey out and looks like it needs to rain. And the humidity is unbelievable.
Wait, I think I hear rainbdrops. Something has happened to Bloggers. It did not give me my homepage when I logged in. I am back over 110 pounds and trying very hard to drink
four cans of 560 calorie drink per dau. Five would be better as that would put me over 2,000 calories a day. I can't seem to get much other food in while drinking these. I also
ad scoops of ice cream to them twice a day which makes like a very yucky float. The only float I ever liked was root beer floats. Root beer was just made for ice cream.
Tomorrow is my husbands official last day of working, forever. He was trying to explain to me all his cds, 401 k, and such. I said, I have no idea how to handle any of this
so you better be careful while driving. I don't. If anything were to happen to him I would freak out. The only thing I know is how to get my hands on his life insurance. I guess
that would keep me going until I figured out where everything else was. I never worried about these things before. I think women should know all this stuff. It should
be written down some where. In some marriages like my son, his wife knows all that. She does all the saving and finances. He is clueless. I have never balanced a check
book in my life. But I am better at reading gov. lingo. One year I read our IRS forms and found Ralph more than 200 dollars in refunds. He just does not understand lawyer
talk. When my husbands mother passed away she left no life insurance. He had to pay off her debts and did not get paid back until her house sold. I think everyone should
have at least a burial policy and something to pay what they owe. Why should you saddle your children with your debts. My Mother and Father had no life insurance. But they
had plenty of money and no debts.

My 42 wedding anniversary is Wednesday and we are going to see the Harry Potter movie. I will have to sneak in bottled water in my purse as I can't drink soda,
I have a dry mouth, I don't want to miss anything in a coughing fit. I hope I don't get caught with smuggled water.

I am so glad my husband will be home from now on. I have found lately that I like him hanging around the place. He keeps house better than I do. But I can
cook and he can't hardly boil water. He knows how to make a grilled cheese and open a can of soup or beans. That is about it.

Ok, there will be no new photographs for today. It's grey out and no good lighting. Lets see what I can find in my files. Be good.

Almost seven weeks past treatment

Sorry I have been AWOL but when you come home from seven weeks of radiation you pretty much just take pain meds and sleep a lot and try to eat. I now weigh 110 pounds. Did I ever weigh 110 pounds. Maybe when I was ten. My husband says, "Where did your boobs go too?" I said, they're there down around my waist with those droopy raisin bits." Ok, Ok, TMI TMI. But really, when I get up the nerve I am
going to tell my sweet Dr. Trotti at Moffits (the man with 40 years experience in head and neck cases) that radiation as a cure is medieval torture and should be banned. And as soon as I get discharged I am finding an eastern doctor who uses nasty herbal concoctions and stick hot needles in me. It would be preferable to lying flat on a plastic tray and having a hard plastic mask that looks like a knights
armor shoved down on you and locked into place. Then roll you into the machine. And they will not stop the process unless you are, well, I never found out what would make them stop. But it's over. I got through 35 treatments and never threw up once.
Thank god for xanax. No wonder half the world keeps it in their back pocket. And then that was the first drug they took away from me. I said, "Hey, how about weaning me off of it slowly.? They said, No, its not addictive you don't need it now. I am going to get my family doctors nurse to reinstate it. I sure as hell need it.

I have no appetite. I can only eat comfortably cream of wheat, chicken noodle soup
and soft boiled eggs. Try that for seven weeks and see how fast you feel nauseous
just thinking about it. I just made homemade baked custard like my grandmother used to do, hot water bath and all. I ate one tonight and I felt my grandma put her hand on me. No wonder she gave these to us when we were sick. So, I have added that to my other three meals. I made my first meal for the family while my cousin Pam was here helping to take care of me. I made my homemade apple pie. I tasted it. It tasted like crap. But everyone said it was the best one ever. That's the worst part. Nothing tastes right. But I am just happy to have my coffee tasting like coffee again instead of motoroil. I wish I had Greg's phone number. He was in treatment with me. His started on his tongue and spread. He had chemo first and radiation. And he cheated and saw a chinese doctor on the weekends when he went home. And it helped him get through the treatment. But, it could have diminished
his radiation also. It's a trade off. But really, I have had it with the amerian medical profession. I am going totally easter medicine. Yoga, the whole bit. I have no fat on my entire body, just a lot of wrinkly loose flesh. I went from a size
14 to a 5 in seven weeks. And want to scream at Dr. Trotti but he is so demure
and sweet and nerdy. I just can't do it. But I swear this next checkup he is not
getting out of that room until I get some answers to all my questions. Otherwise
amid all my complaints he just looks in my throat and says, Right on schedule and
then he rushes out the door. So, here is how I look now. I used a ton of makeup
and smiled big. I have no cheeks, none on my butt either. And the latest pic of my grandbaby Felicity. Due to my illness I have only seen her at 1 week old and now she is seven months old. Life can be so cruel.

I'm Still Here

Hi all. I am at Moffits Cancer Center in Tampa Monday thru Friday and only home on the weekends. Getting Tomo Therapy radiation for seven weeks. I am on week five. And in severe pain that even pain meds does not touch. Just wanted to reach out and let you know. I'm almost done. Hair has thinned out, throat is raw, I gag a lot. If any of you out there smoke, quit. I never smoked or drank much, go figure.
Must be Karma getting even with me. Happy Easter to you all. Its cream of chicken soup for me. And oxycontin and xanax for dessert. Joy.. be good. That updated photo I took of myself in our apartment at the Hope Lodge in Tampa That is where we are staying for seven weeks Later.

Finally Closure

Well, Moffits Cancer Center in Tampa and Dr. Trotti and his team are taking over my treatment. We will hope we get some money back from the last radiologist. I start
over in Tampa this Wedenesday. Wednesday I will have a new mask made in what they call simulation. Then a week to a week and a half later, I will start six weeks of
treatment. Then six to seven weeks later, I will have a CT check. Then I am done. No more tests. Not sure why that is. But I don't care. And I trust this center as much as I can trust any medical staff at this stage. My whole treatment has gotten so messed up. I should have stayed with Tampa in the beginning and I would be long finished with this by now. I have to blame my radiologist a bit in Gainesville because she tried to push me through at a time when she must have known she was having health problems. She almost managed. But because she was not truthful with me, and it caused her to drop my treatment, I am grateful that I am now under the care of Dr. Trotti. It will be inconvenient because I will be staying in Tampa during the week days. But then, I would have been driving back and forth to Gainesville for the other treatment so it is all relevant. I will probably not be updating this until sometime in April. I have been doing art again. It is a stress release for me to concentrate of something other than this. Here is a pastel I did of my grandson. And a cardinal I photographed.

I have lost trust.

I have lost all trust in my radiologist here in Gainesville. She lied to me, she lied to my husband. I have faxed all reports to Dr. Trotti in Tampa at Moffits. I am in no hurry now to jump if she says jump. I have jumped through enough hoops
for her. My last Ct scan came back clear and clean a week ago Friday. If she had been honest with me, always told me the truth. Then I would go ahead this week. But she did not. So, she can wait now while I get my trust back and get to the bottom of this.

The Way We Were

This is an email I sent to a friends mixed race granddaughter in England. She was writing a paper on Barack Obama. You can imagine the excitement she feels being a mixed race child growing up in England and seeing a black man take office in America.
So I call this. The Way we Were. I had six campaign buttons. I have given two to a friend in Canada, one to a friend in Holland, one to a stranger I met going door to door, and two to my friend in England. I have kept the last one, the one we all got at the last campaign meeting after the election. Here is my story of growing up white in America in the 1950's.


Well, I was raised in Miami in the 1950's. We had segregated schools, bathrooms, water fountains. And all blacks lived in one neighborhood off US. 1. Now blacks
live in all neighborhoods, schools are integrated, public restrooms. When I was small I would sit in the back of the bus with black people. I don't know why. My mother
doesn't know why. She said they would put money in my hand because I was a cute little redhead. I just know I felt more welcomed back there.

When I was growing up, the only black person I knew was my Aunt Lois's maid. And she became like one of our family. I still remember her name, Essie May,
and her whole family was like part of our family. Even after my Aunt Lois passed away my Uncle Richard kept Essie May. She is probably gone now.

When I was about 18, I worked in a shopping Mall in a cafeteria. At lunch I would sit in the green-way on a bench. A black college student who was a music major
and worked in the music store would sit and eat next to me. We became friends. He called my house and wanted to go out with me. I told him because of my
father being born in the South, that I could never go on a date with him. Finally his mother called and said, "Why don't you want to go out with my boy? He is a good
boy. " I said, "Because I am afraid my Father would hurt him." Those were the times I lived in.

My children always grew up with black and white friends from grade school up. My sons all had best friends who were black.

I was on Barack Obama's volunteer campaign. I had never done anything political in my life. It was not that he was black. It was his voice and his
vision. I believed him. He seemed to make me believe we could change our path and turn this country around. I never in my life thought that he
would get elected. I never even thought he would get the nomination and beat Hilary Clinton.

When Obama came to Jacksonville for a Rally I went with three friends to hear him talk. I had never done any of this before. And he brought so
many black, asians,white,young and old together. I met a black neighbor through him. He brought so many of us together with one common goal. To
change this country to one we can be proud of. To hear him speak in Jacksonville, Florida was something I will never forget. And to hear the thousands
of people cheering of all races was a very moving experience. He will be one of the best presidents we have ever had.

Candace Pfau

Boy have I been AWOL from this Blog

Well, I have my apple laptop. I love it. The video cam is awesome. I have already
connected with a friend in Holland on it. The quality is the best I have ever seen.
I had my mask made for my radiation treatment. I took an xanax before the making of the mask because it was very claustrophobic. On Thursday I get some sort of evaluation setup. Then I start radiation. I just hope the six weeks go fast. Would you all like to know what 35 radiation treatments cost if you have no insurance to knock it down. 180,000 dollars. Our cost after insurance is 4 to 5,000 dollars. Is
that insane. It's insane. To get well. What if we had no insurance. I am sick just
thinking about the state of our health care system.

I took some photographs today of these gold colored birds. They don't look like goldfinches. My daughter and grandson have moved here from Missouri. Before this cold weather moved in, I took them to Flagler Beach. The day was so gorgeous. Now
we are having two cold fronts in a row. But I like cold weather. I want to take him
to La Chua trail and show him the alligators. Here is my apple. And here is a link to my beach photographs.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/66013135@N00/3186038925/

And here is my apple laptop.